Relationship Rot

More pithiness from Seth Godin:

Most partnerships don’t end up in court.

Most friendships don’t end in a fight.

Most customers don’t leave in a huff.

Instead, when one party feels underappreciated, or perhaps taken advantage of, she stops showing up as often. Stops investing. Begins to move on.

No, I’m not going to sue you. Yes, I’ll probably put my best efforts somewhere else.

In any good relationship, one party will happily bear most of the burden when the other party isn’t able to.  The problem is, it’s easy let that unbalanced state become the new norm.  That’s when the overly burdened party starts to feel underappreciated and taken advantage of.  That’s when she stops showing up as often.

Recognize when things someone is carrying more than their own share.  Literally acknowledge it and thank them for doing so.  This part is easy.

The harder part is to recognize when that balance has gotten too far out of whack, or has been out of whack for too long.

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Identifying Bias: It’s Not Just Bribes That Motivate

I was reading the comments on this CNN article, titled “Experts Caution Against Stem Cell Treatments Abroad.”  They’re pretty typical of CNN comments:

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All I’m reading here is, “Don’t trust these treatments until we’re able to provide them and charge you more for it.”

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It’s about medical power and control for more $$$$$$.

 

There’s a whole slew of people essentially saying that these “experts” are on the take.

Why is this the first bias people look to?  Is that the most logical answer?  Nope.  It never is.  It’s a possible answer, but it’s not where you should look first.  In fact, it’s pretty far down the list.  What bias should you look to first?

Pretend you’re a doctor.

Someone asks you about flying to Europe to get some of your cells injected into your neck.  What do you say?

Well, what’s you’re upside?

You say “Ya, that sounds fine.  Europe has some good medicine going on.”  What is your possible benefit in saying this?  Maybe someone who’s hurting might broaden their horizons and look for some help where they wouldn’t have looked before?  Maybe?  Unlikely, but maybe.

What’s your downside?  Somebody goes to Europe, a continent that both Moldova (GDP $1516) and Germany (GDP $40,670) call home, picks the wrong clinic, gets some poor medical treatment and dies.  You’ve helped spread the word about something that’s now harmed someone.  That possibility doesn’t feel good…

So, even though you have no financial stake, you’re not getting paid by big Pharma and you’re not going to get sued for malpractice by saying “Go to Europe!”, your downside still wildly outweighs your upside.

Your comments are tailored for the general public.  (“Hey, Moldova’s in Europe!  You said Europe was ok!!”)  You feel responsible to put out solid information that’s not going to harm people.

So you say, “Hey, I wouldn’t recommend going to Europe for stem cell treatment.”  You’re not a crook, or a liar, or on the take.  You’re rational.

So, before you dismiss a doctor, or a scientist, or a politician, or whoever, consider the upside and downside of their possible options.

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The Scary Truth About Happiness

Unfortunately, you can’t buy happiness, because happiness doesn’t come from doing things that make you feel good.  Happiness doesn’t come from laying on the beach, or vacationing in Europe, or shopping, or eating, or drinking, or partying, or fucking.  Happiness doesn’t even come from playing with your kids.

Happiness comes from doing things you’re proud of.

You can’t be proud of winning the lottery.  You can’t be proud of eating, or drinking, or fucking.  You can’t be proud of playing with your kids on a Sunday in September.

You can be proud of things that take effort and dedication.  Building things, creating things, doing a job properly, diligently, and with skill.  You can be proud of playing with your kids every night after a long day of work, when you’re tired and don’t want to, because you know it’s good for them.

Don’t fall into the easy trap of equating pleasure with happiness.

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Liars, Damn Liars, and Quotes

Quotes and quips and one liners and zingers are fantastic.  The best ones can encapsulate a lifetime of wisdom into a single sentence.  But, the worst ones can be terribly misleading.  The trouble is separating the good from the bad.

Marketing is the cost you pay for lousy products.

– Sergey Brin, founder of Google

When I first heard that quote I thought, “Holy shit!  Genius!”  It just seems so… right.  And obvious.  After all, if you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat a path to your door.  Right?

But, after it rattled around in my head for a few seconds, it dawned on me that it’s clearly bullshit.  Pithy bullshit, but still bullshit.

Google advertises.  Apple advertises the shit out of their limited product line.  Sure, you might hear about a $100 million company with no sales force, but that doesn’t mean there’s no marketing.  The world will not beat a path to your door if no one knows your door, or your product, exists.  Marketing, whether it’s through ad buys, publicity stunts, grassroots campaigning, word of mouth, leaflet drops from a C-130, or just through the product itself, is necessary to sell anything.

And thus the problem with quotes.  A quote like this one engenders massive appeal because it’s simple and seemingly profound, it’s unexpected, it’s concrete, it’s credible (it’s Sergey Brin!), and it’s emotional (boo ads! yay grassroots!).  It’s what Chip and Dan Heath would call sticky.  But it’s still bullshit.

So, be wary of quotes, particularly short, pithy ones.  It’s generally pretty hard to sum up a lifetime of wisdom, or turn an industry on its head, in nine words.  Use quotes to inspire, or motivate, or even educate yourself, but make sure there’s enough truth in there to make it worthwhile.  You don’t want to wake up in a decade and realize you’ve been running your life based on bumper sticker that has some major flaw.

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The World’s Second Most Valuable Skill

Awareness is vital.  If you can’t pick up on the things going on around you, you’ll almost certainly never be phenomenal at anything.

Curiosity isn’t far behind.  You can be aware of everything at all times, but if you’re not curious enough to investigate, to see how things work and how they fit together, that awareness isn’t going to do you a great deal of good.  It’ll be damn near impossible to ever create something useful.

Somewhere in between, I think, is perseverance.  The will to keep going when you really want to give up.  A lot of people are aware and curious enough to create something useful, sometimes spectacularly useful.  The beauty of business is that you only have to be right once.  What they don’t tell you is that you may spend a lifetime convincing everyone that you were right that one time.  Far fewer people put in that effort to see it to the end.  But they’re the people who reap all the rewards.

Most people, even people with superior ideas and skills and talents, give up.  Stick around any business long enough and you’ll see competitors, strong competitors with good products, just fade out.  Their founders get tired or bored.  You’ll see stars, huge bright stars, burn out.  They don’t have the ability or the guts to pivot when they should have.  And then you’ll see one guy at the back of the pack, who keeps grinding it out.  Maybe he never gets to the front, maybe he has a product that’s not quite as good as the best of the field, maybe he’s not as bright, maybe he’s got a host of other setbacks, but his perseverance lets him create a great life for himself.

The best part is, anyone can persevere.  It’s not some innate gift.  A large part of it is being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  If you can see the goal, if you have some idea of where you’re going and some semblance of how you’re going to get there, the low points are far more bearable.

So, pick an idea where the goal is defined enough to focus on.  Put that goal up on your bulletin board, metaphoric or otherwise.  It’s ok to hate the process at times, to want to quit, to ache and suffer.  You’ll get through it if you have a goal to focus on.  And, before you know it, you’ll need a new goal.  That’s a great thing to need.

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The Single Best Technique To Understand Anything

I’ve written before about how to learn faster.  It’s still great advice.  And, again, learning doesn’t stop when you get handed a diploma.  If you’re reading this, you probably learning something new every year, if not every month or every week.  So, learning how to learn faster can reap tremendous rewards.

Recently, I stumbled onto Scott H. Young, who makes his living teaching people how to learn faster.  His site and newsletter are packed with great information, and goes into depth about some of the things I’ve written about, like explaining a concept to ensure you remember it.  He calls it the Feynman Technique:

If you need help really drilling down and getting better at learning faster, Scott offers a ton of free, great material.  Check out his site here.

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Hope Is Bad

Hope is disappointment, delayed.

If you need something done, craft a plan, and make it happen.  Don’t sit around and hope it’s going to turn out the way you want it to.  It won’t.

Hope is what’s left after you’ve given up.

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My Attorney Will Be In Contact With You

A guy in a suit knocks on your door.  He flashes a badge and wants to ask you a few questions about your involvement at your company.  Or with your stock broker.  Or with your neighbor.

What do you say?

“My attorney will be in contact with you.”

Come on.  Really?  That seems defensive.  Won’t that immediately make the authorities suspicious of you?

Really.  “My attorney will be in contact with you.”

Seriously?  That’s the country we live in today?  What if I can help?

Seriously.  “My attorney will be in contact with you.”

(Note: this is different than remaining silent, which can be used against you later.  Refusing to answer until you consult an attorney cannot.)

The first problem with opening your mouth is that you are not qualified to know whether you are innocent of wrongdoing under federal criminal law.  Criminal law is so expansive now that even experienced lawyers, hell even cops, can’t possibly know what is and what isn’t legal anymore.  And if you don’t know the law, you can’t know that something that flies out of your mouth won’t come back to bite you in the ass.

Problems number two and three are credibility.  Say you cooperate.  You answer basic questions about your whereabouts, or what you said to somebody, or when you did something.  Whatever you’re asked about was probably a while ago, so you probably screw up some very minor details.  Guess what, if the investigator’s done their homework, those flaws are now a reason for suspicion.  But even if you nail every tiny detail, well, isn’t that convenient?  It sure is suspicious that you can recall everything with such exacting precision…

Even if we don’t assume any police malevolence, credibility is still a problem.  Agent Jones interviews you and remembers you saying you were at your sister’s house that night.  You actually said you were at your mother’s house, which is what you tell the interviewer when they call you back down to the station.  Now you’ve given conflicting testimony, even though the testimony was identical in both interviews.  But, it’s your credibility against the Agent’s.  Who’s the court going to believe (hint: the Agent’s, every single time).  This problem is completely avoided if you have a third person, your lawyer, sitting next to you the whole time.

Ya, this sucks.  If the neighbor kid goes missing, your first instinct should be to want to help by providing information.  But, understand the risks.  Most of the time, they are small.  Most totally innocent people try and help out and nothing happens to them.  But enough totally innocent people get destroyed by the system, even if they are completely cleared of any wrongdoing in the end, that these risks are pretty serious.  The list of reasons to have a lawyer sitting next to you goes on and on.  Psychology is one of the more interesting, but there are countless, more immediate concerns as well.  See here for a great article on the subject, and below for an excellent, and terrifying, talk.

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Did I Take That Pill?

I take vitamins every night, after I get home from work.  By that point I’m tired, I’m thinking about a million different things that need to get done in the short time between getting home and going to bed.

“Shit.  Did I already take my vitamins?”  I found myself saying that more frequently than I’d like.  Now, they’re vitamins, not Vicodin, so a mistake doesn’t matter all that much.  Maybe a waste of money, but no big deal.  Still, I’d wanted to break this habit.

The solution?

Oral confirmation.

Whenever I swallow those capsules, I literally say, “It’s Thursday.  I’m taking my vitamins.”

Ya, I could buy one of those goofy wheels or pill dispensers, but this works just as well.  So far, I have not had to second guess whether I’ve completed my nightly routine.  And, better still, this technique is free and works on just about any routinely performed task.

 

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On Handling Critics

Anyone who produces art, or voices opinions, or does anything publicly, will have critics.  Guaranteed. I wrote a post about frugality that got a tiny bit of attention on the web and was bombarded with insults.  Did I care?  Well, sure I cared.  I had all sorts of emotions.  Was I wrong?  Could I have explained my point better?  Was I missing something?  Should I have said X instead of Y?  I absolutely cared.  But, this doesn’t mean I was neurotic, or hated those who disagreed with me or hurled insults my way, or lashed out, or hermited* away somewhere.

Handling criticism is a telling indicator of someone’s personality.  Some people instinctively get defensive, even if they make a concerted effort not to.  Some people shut down entirely.  Some people take criticism to heart and try to learn from it, at least when it’s legitimate criticism.  But, even the most learned and eloquent people respond in ways you might not expect:

“A poet that fails in writing becomes often a morose critic. The weak and insipid white wine makes at length excellent vinegar.” – William Shenstone

“Reviewers are usually people who would have been poets, historians, biographers, if they could; they have tried their talents at one or the other, and have failed; therefore they turn critics.”  -  S. T. Coleridge

“Reviewers, with some rare exceptions, are a most stupid and malignant race. As a bankrupt thief turns thief-maker in despair, so an unsuccessful author turns critic.”  – P. B. Shelley

“He who would write and can’t write can surely review.”   – J. R. Lowell

“Nature, when she invented, manufactured, and patented her authors, contrived to make critics out of the chips that were left.”    – C. W. Holmes

“Critics are like eunuchs; they can tell you what to do, but they can’t do it themselves!”  – Harry Cohn

“Critics in general are venomous serpents that delight in hissing.”  – W. B. Daniel

“The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.”   – Mark Twain

Holy shit!  Notice a pattern here?  These are all a variation on “those who can’t do, teach”, only much nastier.  Even my beloved Twain falls victim to this ad hominem fallacy.  Just because you’re a critic, or a teacher, certainly doesn’t mean you can’t do what the artist has done.  It doesn’t make you a eunuch, or a failure, or a halfwit, or a thief, or scrap.  To disregard criticism whole hog like this is silly.

Now, at a certain point, you’re going to have to disregard some critics.  If you get big enough, you can’t possibly listen to all of them, plus, if you simply pandered to them, you’d never accomplish anything anyway.  But, are you telling me Sam Clemens didn’t have an editor?  Or someone he bounced ideas off of?  If the public’s opinion is worth something, then surely the opinion of 1000 or 100 members of that public must carry some weight.

My point is, criticism is valuable.  Take it.  Use it.  Don’t build a shell so thick that you’re impervious to it all.  If you do, you’ll have no one to help you realize where you’ve gone wrong.

 

*This should definitely be a word.  Who do I contact about this?

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Mark Zuckerberg Isn’t Mark Zuckerberg

I can’t say this more succinctly than Seth Godin, so I’ll just copy it here:

“Mark Zuckerberg” has become a codeword for the truly gifted exception, the wunderkind freak of nature for whom traditional rules don’t apply.

Well, sure, Mark Zuckerberg can drop out of Harvard, but you’re not Mark Zuckerberg…

Here’s the thing: Even Mark isn’t Mark Zuckerberg.

This notion that there’s a one in a billion alignment of DNA and experience that magically creates an exception is just total nonsense. Mark is successful because of a million small choices, not because he, and he alone, has some magical properties.

Mostly, the best way to be the next Mark Zuckerberg is to make difficult choices.

He’s right.  You know how I know?  Because now we have proof:

But, as the Groups team was adding the finishing touches to its product, Zuckerberg said he wanted to write a few lines. “Everybody was like, Ohhhh, Zuck’s gonna write code,” says Feross. Someone set up an easy bug for him to fix—adding a link to a picture, or something—and he went to work. Five minutes passed. Twenty minutes. An hour. “It took him like two hours to do something that would take one of us who’s an engineer like five minutes.”

Zuckerberg is the classic example of being at the right place at the right time with the right idea, and the balls to take advantage of it.  If he didn’t do facebook, I would almost guarantee he’d be running something successful, at some point in his life.  Would it be (potentially) the biggest company in the entire world?  Would he have done it by 28?  Almost certainly not.  There are a ton of people in this world who are a smart and talented as Zuckerberg.  Only a fraction of those people have the balls to make difficult choices.  Only a fraction of those people strike the right idea at the right time to become fabulously successful.

The problem is, you’ll never know what the right idea is for any given point in time.  Which means the only shot you’ve got of being fabulously successful is to keep trying.

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Being Absurd: It Works

We’ve talked before about how an anchor point can seriously change the course of any negotiation.  This effect, where you plant a number in someone’s mind, works because people aren’t terribly rational.  They’re unwittingly susceptible to all sorts of manipulation, most of which is completely unintentional and unrecognized.

Well, new research indicates that anchoring works even when the figures you throw out are absurd.

In a simulation conducted by Todd Thorsteinson out of the University of Idaho, candidates for a fake administrative assistant position who jokingly threw out absurdly high salary requests, think $100k for a $30k gig, on average received a 9% higher offer than those who didn’t.

Now, this is just a simulation where real money doesn’t have to change hands, but this is still a fascinating result.

If  you don’t ask, you don’t get.  And, even if you don’t get, you might get more.  So ask.  Even if the request is absurd.

Posted in Advice, Money, Negotiation, Persuasion, Rationality, Self-Improvement | 1 Comment

Beat Procrastination By Being Self-Centered

If you work any sort of normal job, you’re probably forced to do a lot of stuff you’re not terribly enthusiastic about doing.  Paradoxically, this work can often take longer because we tend to lose focus.  We stall, we procrastinate, we get easily distracted.  So, what do we do about this?

Find a way to profit off of whatever you have to be doing.  Create your own stake in your crappy little task.

For example, let’s say you have to do a lot of research at your particular job.  Research can be tedious and boring if it’s about something that doesn’t particularly interest you.  So, if you regularly get these tasks, think of how you could personally profit from them.  Maybe you could churn out blog posts on the topics, or write a white paper about this issues that you could market online.  If that sort of thing is frowned upon by your employer, maybe you could create a handbook on the subject that your whole company could benefit from.

Maybe you’re an IT guy who constantly has to show people basic computer fixes.  Maybe next time you’re called to do something you find tedious, you can do a screen cast of how to fix it.  You could publish this stuff company wide, which might mean less stupid questions for you, or throw it on youtube and start to grow a following worldwide.  You can apply this to just about anything, no matter how mundane.  All processes could be improved.

Always think about how to turn projects that you’re forced to do into projects for your own benefit.

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60 Chances

If you’re really lucky, or extremely unlucky, you may realize how short your time is on this planet sometime in your teens.  For most people, this revelation comes much later, but let’s be generous and use 15 years old as the starting point.

You get to see the leaves change color 60 times.  If you’re lucky.

You get 60 Thanksgivings, Christmases, Fourth of Julys, and Easter egg hunts.  If you’re lucky.

You might only get 45 chances to sing Happy Birthday to your kids or your parents.  If you’re lucky.

No matter how busy you are, don’t squander those chances.

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Why Motivational Speakers Don’t Motivate

Dr. Jim Taylor, who has a PhD in psychology, says the “inspirational-industrial complex” is a sham.

Why, you ask? Because the inspiration that comes from other people is manufactured from the outside. This “synthetic” inspiration simply can’t last long because when the source of the inspiration (i.e. the talk, film, or book) is gone, its shelf life is very short.

True and lasting inspiration can’t, unfortunately, come from outside. It must arise from a very deep place within us.

Well, this seems rather logical.  So, how do we unlock this inspiration that’s dwelling deep inside us?  Uh… Hmm.. Well, this is .. Ya, he doesn’t say.

He does mention Obama, George Patton, and John Wooden as world class motivators.  Their big secret?

What makes the great inspirations so, well, inspirational is their ability to help others find their own personal inspiration every day.

Ignore for a moment the fact that you probably don’t need to find personal inspiration every day if it’s truly coming from a very deep place within you.  His point about Wooden and Patton and Obama is very strong.  You can watch Miracle, or Hoosiers, or The Last Lecture, or any inspirational piece of media ever made.  This doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you.  But, if you don’t have access to a world class motivator like the great John Wooden, exposing yourself to as much inspirational stuff as possible isn’t a bad way to go.  Of course, not all of it’s going to stick, but eventually something will.  And when that thing stops working, you can find inspiration in something else.  Like with just about anything of value, it’s a constant process.

Let’s return to the fact that you probably don’t need to find personal inspiration every day if it’s truly coming from a very deep place within you.  Do you know anyone like that?  Who has this inexhaustible drive to accomplish or succeed at something that doesn’t appear to come from anywhere?

No you don’t.  Even if you think you do, there’s no way to get in their head and really know.  Michael Jordan must have had some indomitable will to win, right?  Well, by most accounts he was an asshole and had to invent petty gripes to feed off of.  The guy with the corner office in your company?  Maybe he’s pissed at his dad.  Maybe he’s worried about putting his kids through college.  Maybe he’s supporting his sick brother’s family.  You don’t know.  Most of the time, you simply can’t know.

My point is, people can be inspired by anything.  Early in life, that inspiration may coming from proving to others what you can accomplish.  Once you’re successful, once you’ve proved to others what you can do, you get bored, and that’s when you start to test yourself.  You can say this is the inspiration that comes from deep within, or you can say its the only inspiration that’s left after you’ve used up all the other stuff.  But, to say the other stuff can’t have any effect is just silly.

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