Bronnie Ware had the opportunity to learn about a lot of people’s regrets. Â As a palliative nurse, she cared for those in the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. Â The most common regrets she encountered:
“He had a gun pointed at me; I had no choice but to shoot him before he shot me.”
“It was the only thing I could do.”
“There was no other option, I had to do it.”
These are all lies.
You might have chosen that option because the benefits outweighed the costs, but you made the choice. Â You chose it.
History is made by those who make choices when most of society thinks there is no choice to be made.  Oskar Schindler chose to disobey his government and risk his own life to save a bunch of strangers.  Nelson Mandela chose to take up arms against his government in order to defeat apartheid.  On a more personal level, Kathryn Stockett chose to continue to make her work better, rather than do the obvious, sensible thing and give up or move on.
These kinds of choices, choices that produce work that effects nations, thousands, or just one person, often require sacrifice, planning, and courage.
But such choices exist. Â Saying they don’t limits options, removes responsibility, and kills dreams.
Louis C.K. continues to publicly prove the points championed by the likes of Seth Godin and Gary Vaynerchuk: build your own audience, connect with them, interact with them, let them in on the your secrets, and success will follow.
And, not only does he let us in on how it’s going, he tells us what he’s going to do with the money:
hi. So it’s been about 12 days since the thing started and yesterday we hit the crazy number. One million dollars. That’s a lot of money. Really too much money. I’ve never had a million dollars all of a sudden. and since we’re all sharing this experience and since it’s really your money, I wanted to let you know what I’m doing with it. People are paying attention to what’s going on with this thing. So I guess I want to set an example of what you can do if you all of a sudden have a million dollars that people just gave to you directly because you told jokes.
So I’m breaking the million into four pieces.
the first 250k is going to pay back what the special cost to produce and the website to build.
The second 250k is going back to my staff and the people who work for me on the special and on my show. I’m giving them a big fat bonus.
The third 280k is going to a few different charities. They are listed below in case you’d like to donate to them also. Some of these i learned about through friends, some were reccomended through twitter.
That leaves me with 220k for myself. Some of that will pay my rent and will care for my childen. The rest I will do terrible, horrible things with and none of that is any of your business. In any case, to me, 220k is enough out of a million.
I never viewed money as being “my money” I always saw it as “The money” It’s a resource. if it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
The thing is still on sale. I hope folks keep buying it. If I make another million, I’ll give more of it away. I’ll let you know when that happens because I like you getting to know what happened to your 5 dollars and bringing awareness to the bla bla bla.
Okay I really gotta go now. Thank you again. I will now stop bugging you. I really hate being in the news this much so I’m gonna just disappear for a while.
Happy hollidays.
Louis C.K.
Yes, Louis is very funny. But so are a lot of people. Louis has managed to do something few others could. Even comedians far more famous and successful probably couldn’t pull this off, because they haven’t spent the time to build that connection. This “experiment” hasn’t been this successful merely because Louis offered his standup for $5, with no DRM (although that certainly helped).  It wasn’t successful just because it was a novel way to distribute content (and, it wasn’t even novel… Nine Inch Nails and Radiohead did this years ago, and smaller bands before that).  Those who cite these reasons miss the point.
Louis’ experiment has been successful because he’s busted his ass to build a group of people that want him to succeed. He did that, in part, by being transparent, both in his comedy, and in everything that goes on in the background.  Aside from the technical angle of this, I’m sure Louis had to invest very little time actually selling this thing.  When you spend the thousands and thousands of hours up front, just to build your tribe, they end up wanting to please you.
Sometime in the last two generations, Americans decided that it’s never okay to be uncomfortable. Any hunger should be sated immediately. Any pain should be assuaged post haste.
Instant gratification not only became a staple of modern life, it became expected. If you’re hungry, why wouldn’t you eat? If you’re tired, why wouldn’t you rest?  To do anything but satisfy your immediate needs is viewed as strange or unhealthy.
But, it’s okay to be hungry. It’s okay to be tired.  Enduring it for a bit will make you stronger, more appreciative when you do scratch that itch, and able to subsist on less.
P.S.  As with most things, when we react immediately, we often make poor decisions. For example, sometimes remedying your pain as quickly as possible isn’t the solution at all.  In the early 20th century, we discovered that extended bed rest cured 90% of all back pain.  Simple, slow, but effective.  Then MRIs were widely adopted by the medical community.  Now, detailed pictures made it clear that disk abnormalities were what caused people’s back pain.  Injections, surgical removal of the disk tissue, and fusion of the bones was the solution.  Only, disk abnormalities weren’t the root cause.  These “abnormalities” are exceedingly common, even in those with no pain at all.  In our hurried effort to immediately alleviate the symptoms, doctors often made our problems much worse.
The many speak highly of you, but have you really any grounds for satisfaction with yourself if you are the kind of person the many understand?
Seneca, Letter VII
Seneca’s exhortation of Lucilius to avoid pandering to mass appeal has been eagerly adopted and expertly exploited by thinkers and pundits today.  Showman proudly proclaim that they are the under-appreciated and over-looked voice of reason.  They are the rebels. The nonconformists.  The ones who fight the mainstream view.
To a certain extent, they are what they claim to be. Â But, what exactly is mainstream?
Averaged over it’s entire run, I Love Lucy had a Nielsen rating of 52.7. Â That means 52.7% of all households with a TV watched the average episode of I Love Lucy. Â In 2010, American Idol averaged an 8.8.
In an era of fragmentation, there is no mainstream. Â Rush Limbaugh claims to fight the dominant liberal “mainstream media”. Â John Stewart claims to fight the dominant conservative bias in the news. Â Certainly the “media” can’t be dominated by both conservatives and liberals. Â But, it’s easy to convince either side that the other is winning when nobody holds a dominate marketshare (or the market itself is hard to quantify). Â And convincing people that you’re the underdog is extremely powerful.
Especially in America, supporting the underdog makes people feel good. Â When the underdog is a contrarian, it also makes people feel smart. Â It’s the same reason hipsters listen to shitty bands no one’s ever heard of, and then stop once they get a following. Â At that point, they’re not insiders anymore. Â Once they lose their monopoly on that secret knowledge or understanding that everyone else lacked, they’re no longer interested.
This is something you can use to your advantage. Â People like being on the underdog’s side; don’t be afraid to use that angle. Â But, when people keep pushing that angle, even though they’re not really an underdog anymore, be wary. Â If someone’s trying to convince you that you’re really smart and cool for understanding them, look around and make sure that millions of other people aren’t being fed the same lines.
Many, many businesses have been snuffed out, and continue to be snuffed out, as the information age matures.  Any industry or producer or provider who relied on a lack of information to succeed has, or will, fail.  People won’t simply book a room at a Marriott because of the brand name, even if they trust the brand name. If Trip Advisor and Expedia tell them that specific hotel is awful, that’s all they need to know.  Ebay became the market leader because it built a system that allowed buyers to avoid those sellers who didn’t perform.  Amazon’s massive database of customer reviews has done the same thing for individual products.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a trusted brand like Kitchen-Aid; if your latest product is poorly made, buyers will know.
On the other side, when you put out something excellent, it’s easier than ever to let people know. Â Not only are there are a multitude of platforms for the end users to share their great experiences, you now have the ability and the tools to let people know yourself. Â With that ability comes the opportunity to become completely transparent, to open yourself to your audience, to invite them to join you in the experience. Â I don’t think the value of this can be overstated.
Louis CK, a comedian who toiled in relative obscurity on the comedy scene for over a decade, has seen his popularity blossom over the last few years. Â With his own television show, which he brilliantly marketed by explaining to the world that he left money on the table in exchange for total creative control, a variety of writing jobs and guest appearances, and an hour of new material every year that focuses on his view of the world, his audience feels intimately connected to him.
So, when Louis decides to record and publish his own stand-up special instead of going the traditional HBO or Comedy Central route, his fans support him.  When he wants to thank his fans for doing so, he opens up even more, disclosing exactly what it cost him to produce it, how many people people bought it, and how much he made.  What do his fans do?  Share this.  It goes viral, and Louis undoubtedly sold even more. The transparency of the process helped that intimacy grow: not only did it make his fans happier to consume the product, it compelled them to join the process by promoting it.
Not only does transparency invite others to peek in, it encourages them to participate and build with you.
A decision without tradeoffs isn’t a decision.
Zappos offers me free overnight shipping and a $10 discount after I’ve already ordered?  I don’t even have to think about it.
Decision making requires you to confront tradeoffs. Â When you learn to relish weighing what you’re giving up against what you stand to gain, when you look forward to being in that position, you’ll find yourself with more opportunity to make decisions, and your judgment will improve.
Pretending the tradeoffs don’t exist only leads to bad decision making.
They’re not so different:
The two of them march in unison like a prisoner and the escort he is handcuffed to. Â Fear keeps pace with hope. . . . both belong to amind in suspense, to amind in a state of anxiety through looking into the future. Â Both are mainly due to projecting our thoughts far ahead of us instead of adapting ourselves to the present. Â Thus it is that ofresight, the greatest blessing humanity has been given, is transformed into a curse. Â Wild animals run from the dangers they actually see, and once they have escaped them owrry no more. Â We however are tormented alike by what is past and what is to come. Â A number of our blessings do us harm, for memory brings back the agony fo fear while foresight brings it on prematurely. Â No one confines his unhappiness to the present.
Seneca, Letter V
Worrying about your legacy is ridiculous.  Fretting over how people you will never meet will come to judge your life is not only rewardless, it’s counter-productive.  It generally inhibits your ability  to focus on how the living, the people you actually care about, judge you.
But, it can be extremely valuable to think about the kind of person you want to become. Â This shouldn’t be abstract, left stumbling aimlessly in the folds of grey matter. Â Make it concrete.
Write the eulogy you hope your friends would write for you. Â Then live it.
The quoted text below was written in response to Christopher Hitchen’s death. Â It was written by a random guy on Hacker News. Â This guy seems to consider himself opposed to much of what Christopher Hitchens spent his life prosthelytizing. Â And yet, I don’t think there’s a finer thing you could say about a man. Â It’s beautifully written:
As a person of long-held religious conviction I am deeply saddened to see this worthy adversary go. He had an uncanny ability to go straight for your mostly deeply held beliefs with the most trenchant rhetoric and yet somehow made you like him anyway.
I think it’s because with Hitchens, you knew he spoke from the integrity of his own convictions. He was nobody’s man, on no one’s bandwagon, carrying water for no political agenda other than his own desire to see the world become a better place. His libertarianism or Marxism was just a function of where his own intellect led him, and he never compromised for fashion or acceptance. That gave him gravitas, ethos. How else could you go after Mother Theresa and not get run out of…the World on a rail?
Only Hitchens. He was often compared to Orwell and H.L. Mencken, and he was one of the few writers for whom the comparison was as a peer rather than a distant echo of a greater time. Who will pick up his mantle? Who has the intellect, wit or courage of their convictions that compares with Hitchens?
At the moment I simply can’t think of anyone.
I could only work to live my life in such a way that those I cared about could deliver such praise. Â I could only hope to live my life in such a way that those I will never meet could be better off for my having lived.
Friends are important. Â They may have a bigger influence on the direction of your life than anything else. Â So isn’t it strange that some of our closest friends just happen to be people we stood next to on the bus every day, or sat next to in history class? Â Why is that?
You should be able to tell a friend anything.
But, before you do, you have to judge that person’s character. Â Is that a person you could tell anything to?
If he is, he’s a friend. Â And you should share with him. Â Treat him as loyal, and you will make him loyal. Â He doesn’t have to be, and he won’t be, perfect in all respects. Â His flaws don’t necessarily mean he should be abandoned or cordoned off. Â Take note of them, but don’t judge him after he is a friend.
If he’s not a person you could tell anything to, he’s shouldn’t be considered a friend. Â He can be an acquaintance, or a respected colleague, or a peer, or an equal, or a gentleman, or an unlimited number of other things, but recognize him as that.
Those people that judge a person after they have made him a friend have it backwards.  And, as you’ve undoubtedly seen, many of these relationships end badly.  They end badly not necessarily because the mislabeled friends are bad people, but because the labeler put the cart before the horse.  He turned a peer into a friend, then realized he revealed things to someone he shouldn’t have.  At that point, it’s too late.  Those who fear being deceived often teach others to deceive them; by their suspiciousness they give them the right to do wrong.
So, don’t pick friends just based on proximity. Â If need be, use a probationary period, where you can really investigate someone’s character before deciding whether they are a friend, or something else.
Depending on whose numbers you believe, Americans watch between 2.7 (BLS) and 4.9 (Nielsen) hours of television per day.
Per day.
Let’s split the difference and call it four hours a day. If you’re awake on average 16 hours a day, that means you’re spending a quarter of your life watching television.
Hope it’s worth it.
We deal with a lot of higher level stuff here, like strategy and philosophy, but I want to bring it down for a post to offer some very practical, easy to implement, and essential life tips. Today, I want to talk about something I have felt a little uncomfortable with, and have made an effort to do more of.  Today, I want to talk about eye contact.
Heady stuff, I know. Â But still, important.
Eye contact is a cultural thing, where it’s important to know the rules where you’re at.  In the United States, and most other western cultures, making the right amount of eye contact is important: it can convey everything from confidence to competence, to trustworthiness, to respect.  Lack of proper eye contact often conveys just the opposite: nervousness, incompetence, untrustworthiness and/or a lack of respect.
But, in a lot of Latin American cultures, eye contact can be disrespectful: it’s seen as a challenge. Â If you want to show someone respect, that you’re being obedient, you look at the floor. Â It’s always important to know where you are.
Seeing as how most of us live in western cultures, that’s what we’re talking about.
Tip 1: The right amount of eye contact is not 100% eye contact
Do not stare unblinkingly into someone’s eyes for eternity. Â It’s creepy. Â People will think there’s something wrong with you, at best, or that you’re a serial killer, at worst. Â I don’t know whether the people who do this learned it at car salesman school, or if they think whoever looks away first gets dominated, or what, but please, stop it. Â Whatever you think your crazy stare is accomplishing, I can promise you it’s not. Â The right amount of eye contact is somewhere around 10 seconds, then look away for a second or two, then repeat. Â This will obviously depend on the situation, and the length of the conversation, but that’s the general idea. Â Vacant, thousand-yard stare is bad. Â Intense, laser-focus stare is bad. Find the sweet spot.
Tip 2:Â Take a hike
Prolonged periods of maintained eye contact can be uncomfortable. Â They are for me, anyway. If the conversation is going to take a while, and if there’s no need to take notes or be in an office, take a walk instead of sitting face to face. Â No need to stare at somebody for 90 minutes, plus you might even get some exercise. Â I’ve found this works especially well for problem solving and talking through difficult tasks or issues: it eliminates almost all self-consciousness since the only spare parts of your brain are focused on walking.
Tip 3: 90 Degree Angles
If you need to sit down at a table, either to take notes or because you’re putting something together or because that’s how the meeting has to be, instead of sitting across the table from someone, sit either on the same side of the table (i.e. next to him) or at a 90 degree angle from him (i.e. at the head of the table if he sits on one side). Â Not only does this eliminate most of the need to either stare into someone’s face for 3 hours, it’s actually an extremely effective negotiating technique.
And that’s it. Â Awkwardness avoided.
A great lesson on how movements start, explained in this video in under three minutes, by Derek Sivers:
It’s the first follower that turns a lone nut into a leader. Â When you find a lone nut doing something great, have the guts to be the first person to stand up and join in.
Note that Derek’s point, that the leader will get all the credit, is often untrue.  Think about any ubiquitous invention.  Who invented it?  If you can’t name the person, the odds are great that the person who invented it wasn’t the one who popularized it, and reaped the most benefits. Think about the automobile: the first guy who pops into most peoples’ heads is Henry Ford. He didn’t come close to inventing it, but he certainly reaped the lion’s share of the rewards. It’s often even better to be the first follower.
A plant which is frequently moved never grows strong.
People who spend their whole life traveling abroad end up having plenty of places where they can find hospitality but no real friendships.
We place a big emphasis, and not wrongly, on exposing ourselves to as many new things as possible. In the long run, this pays tremendous dividends. But, in the long run, what makes life rich is getting really, really good at the things you enjoy doing. This is hard if all we ever do is flit from one place to another, from one thing to another. You just never have the time to master anything.
This isn’t to say you shouldn’t read the latest trade journals or business books or follow the latest fad in whatever it is you’re into. But don’t let that be all you do.
Each day, too, acquire something that will help you face poverty, or death, and other ills as well. After running over a lot of different thoughts, pick out one to be digested thoroughly that day.
– Seneca, Letter II
One of the things I’ve made an effort to get good at is to do the little things as I notice them. As soon as I notice something that needs to be picked up, or put away, or moved, or done, I do it. I don’t think about doing it, or make a note to do it later, I just do it. A surprising amount of brain power is freed up, and a surprising amount of anxiety is eliminated, when you don’t have to think about stupid little things you need to do, or should have already done. There’s no opportunity to beat yourself up about the 3 day old cereal bowl on your desk or last week’s socks on the floor if you just bus them the first time you see them.
But, for creative or mental tasks, like writing, Hemingway offers the opposite advice to prevent losing momentum:
The best way is always to stop when you are going good and when you know what will happen next. If you do that every day … you will never be stuck. Always stop while you are going good and don’t think about it or worry about it until you start to write the next day. That way your subconscious will work on it all the time. But if you think about it consciously or worry about it you will kill it and your brain will be tired before you start.
This is a nice little trick. It means you’ll never sit down to a blank piece of paper. You’ll never start out lost, not knowing where to begin or where to go next. You might get lost, but you’ll be able to keep the momentum you built before you stopped, and at least get off to a strong start. Psychologically, that’s pretty valuable.
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