How To Befriend Anyone

When Ben Franklin was running for Clerk of the General Assembly, one of his colleagues delivered a speech to the legislature skewering him. This was a problem, because this was a guy Franklin couldn’t afford to just start a feud with. Franklin described him as “a gentleman of fortune and education” who was sure to one day be powerful, and thus definitely a person Franklin wanted on his team.

Franklin was already a rising celebrity and all around genius: not only did he run various clubs attended by other future luminaries, he was also widely known as a printer: he printed the most widely read newspaper in the colonies, an almanac, and the state’s paper money. Perhaps because of this status, or because he knew such an approach simply wouldn’t work anyway, he wanted to do something to win over this colleague without “paying any servile respect to him.” So instead of groveling at this colleague’s feet or heaping praise on him, he asked to borrow a “vary scarce and curious book” from this colleague’s library.

As a printer, voracious reader, and prolific writer, Franklin was known to have a keen sense for literature. The colleague, not surprisingly, was flattered. He lent Franklin the book. Franklin sent a nice thank you note. The two were fast friends until the colleague’s death.

There are two lessons here. The first is based in psychology: cognitive dissonance actually makes you like people you do favors for. The harder and more painful the favor, the more you like the person. It’s our self-delusional way of justifying why we do things. (“Well, helping Jim moved really sucked. I must really like him.”)

The second lesson isn’t really from Ben Franklin at all. Sometimes, especially if you’re an asshole, you won’t be able to convince people to do favors for you. What do you do then? You provide them with value. As Keith Ferrazzi explains in Never Eat Alone:

The best way to approach utility is to give help first, and not ask for it. If there is someone whose knowledge you need, find a way to be of use to that person. Consider their needs and how you can assist them. If you can’t help them specifically, perhaps you can contribute to their charity, company, or community. You have to be prepared to give back to your mentors and have them know that from the outset. Before Pat [CEO of Deloitte] would consider having dinner with me [a recent college grad] three times a year, he had to know that I would be committed to his firm. That’s how I found myself so early on in a trusted position that later turned into a friendship. (p. 281)

When you provide value, you’ve begun to build a relationship. When you provide value, you earn the opportunity to ask for favors. When someone does you a favor, you’re right back to Ben Franklin.